Saturday, August 12, 2006


Ben: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood...
i need your answer..
wikipedia and google hadn't a clue...

Patty: Well, after much thought, i think that a woodchuck could chuck as much as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood...

Unless this wood chuck were a liberal teenage american, in which case he would deny the exitsence of the wood, call it a conspiracy from the government and proceed to post his discovery on his myspace group of fellow illuminati chucks who revel in their own pre-pubescent intellect, and who also praise their affiliation to Chuck Norris via their species (Chuck Norris of course the man whose tears cure cancer... too bad he has never cried).

I have never had such an epihany concerning a wood chuck.
I am personally a firm believe that if a wood chuck cood chuck wood he would opt out of it due to the immodesty in our post-modern culture to just 'chuck' in public. I think its quite rude honestly.

The chuck is on its way out of the mainstream. Public crackdowns in major cities such as Springfield, Nebraska and Turlock, California have imposed "Chucking zones" in public parks, as "chucking" is now completely banned in bars, restaurants, schools, internet cafés and chiropractic offices. These zones are surrouned by a 10 foot high and 3 foot thinck wall that is completely non chuckable, and many logs are there to be "chucked".

Many chucks however have decided to stop "chucking". One such chuck said:"I chucked when i was younger, we all did. We didn't know its dangers and we all did it to be cool. We have since opted out of chucking and turned our lives around. I will never go back to chucking."

However, the ever rebellious teenage population has decided to go on "chucking walks" around town, proclaiming their inalienable right as American citizens to chuck:
"It's in our constitution man, freedom of expression man! we're being seggregated against man, worse than the blacks man, worse than the gays even man! I love chucking man, it's a trip man, and freedom of expression man... yeah man!"
"It's all a conspiracy! first 9/11, then no chucking. They're all trying to keep us down, The Man is out there! But we know the government did it, me and my fellow bloggers have, even though we are all undergrads and have yet to get a manly voice, discovered the truth behind the no chucking law! It's the same as JFK!!!!"

When confronted about the immorality of chucking in public and the cancerous side effect of witnessing chucking, these liberal woodchucks have one thing to say "Morals? what's that?"

It seems as if chucking will be a thing of the past within the next few months. Law enforecment officials however say that the black market for woodchucks who thought they could chuck has blown up... "The problem won't go away instantly" warns Sgt McChuck "because where there is a woodchuck who can chuck as much as a woodchuck can chuck, there will be demand for chuck to be chucked. And we don't know how much one woodchuck can chuck".

Chilling words. Back to you Ben.

After reading the alarming reports concerning the "chucking epidemic" in the U.S. I've focused my studies into the nomadic regions of Sweden; the Stockholm area. An area where blood painted faces and spears still rule the dominant thrones their are incidents of chucking being reported. One nomadic tribe leader name $&#??: was quoting saying such, @#$ :{ @#$ :." Even I was surprised to realize that even the nomadic people are speaking up.

Continuing in my studies I went deeper into the pits of the world renowned Stockholm to get the low down from those dwelling the canibalic regions. I regret to inform you that no actual quotes were brought back to the tragic fact that my only camera guy, and text junkie "Clarence" was actually eaten alive during the interview. No conclusive evidence released concerning their thoughts on "chucking" in a post-modern culture.

The only true center of factual information was stumbled across by complete accident; a one, Stuart Webster; an American native with time spent in France and currently working in Stockholm as a part time cake-decorator and lead guitarist for Stockholm's own "senior center blues group" had this to say in response to our question (Why don't you go chuck yourself?)"Well...honestly I have to say I'm an anti-chucker. That's right. I said it! I have seen the drastic impacts 'chucking' has made in this culture. My neighbor Karl used to mow his yard every week, get his paper every morning, feed his kids every few days. But no...not anymore. Karl only has time for 'chucking', he bought a membership card to Chuckers-R-US just so he could 'chuck' whenever he felt the need. I lost my friends Karl to 'chucking' and I won't lose anyone else. I've started "NAKED" Neighbors against Karl's excessive (d) chucking (couldn't find a use for the d?). Our slogan is, "Friends don't let friends chuck..."

Well my friend Patrick...this is the news...this is the truth...and that's the way....the cookie crumbles...

back to you...

Thank you Ben for that great insight into the world of... Wait... I'm getting news that Homeland Security has just thwarted a major plot to smuggle "chuck" into the US of A via an underground tunnel system in southern New Mexico. We now go live to our senior correspondent on "chuck", Lord Von Webster. Lord you there?

-Yes Patrick, i can hear you liud and clear.

-Lord, give us the run down on the situtaion near El Taco Grande.

- With pleasure Patrick. You see, since the nation wide ban on "chuck", or as afficionados like to call it "that sweet pablo chucko", or "chucking bud that keeps on giving", or " el chuckomiendo", or "HM (How Much)", or...

- Yes yes, we see.

- Rhmh, yes, well as I was saying, since the nationwide ban on "Ze Chuque", many a woodchuck has defecated, im sorry, defected, to the Chucks Resistance Army based around Tortilla Mas Caliente, the Mexican side of El Taco Grande. The newest bust is the largest in this nations history, with over 25 tons of chuck, mainly spruce derived being captured. The bust also included a significant amount of chuck from the rare Norwegian Red Wood Of Death, estimated at a cost of over 2 billion dollars (pre tax) on the black Market. This chuck is called "Big Red", and it offers you quite an... enjoyable... high... it takes you to a nice place, covered in white lillies and...

- Lord, you're wandering again

-Sorry Pat. Anyways, Law enforcement officials are very happy to have uncovered this plot. As one senior investigator noted "We now know that the prairie dogs were in on this the whole time, and it's through their tunnels that these vile chuckies were smuggling this filth into the States". The President has since announced a war on the Great Plains. The members of Prairie Dogs Against Segregation (PDAS) are furious, but as a senior white house official noted "It so happens that all prairie dogs are not terrorists, but most terrorists are prairie dogs". The head of the Woodchuck Association of America Society (WAAS) has not been reached for comment. His secretary said something about him being in a meeting discussing Changing Human Conservative Knowldege In Non Goffers. Back to you Patrick.

-Shocking news. Just when we thought that chuck wa sbeing controlled. Reflections on the matter Ben?

Thanks for the insight.

I plan on doing a thorough investigation on the current occurances....

That was senior staff writer Ben Strizength. Thank you Ben.


Blogger Benny Strength said...

Apparently the British Intelligence Agency has just uncovered a plot that reveals 15 Chuck-a-holics were going to smuggle in 'chuckers' via human epidermis'. all major flights coming in and out of Heathrow will be carefully screened, and will now be requiring that all passangers traveling internationally must check thier epidermis at the security clearence.
Sorry for the bad news...
Many americans were spoke up today in a press conference...
"Hey! I've worn this all my life. If it comes off I go off!" So, this hostile bible college student (Ben Strength) was taken into custody for further questions concerning his akward attachment to his epidermis.

More news to come....
Back to you Patty McPhatty.

9:42 AM  

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